How To Heal An Inner Child Wound In Three Steps

Valerie Alexander
Nov 19, 2025
6 min read

Updated: Dec 18, 2025

Swiss psychologist Carl Jung is the first to use the term inner child. Inner tells us where it is located, in your inner world, specifically, your unconscious mind. Jung designated the child as an archetype, meaning it transcends personal and resonates with the collective.

Some of us have a wounded inner child and at some point in our lives we realized this. A wounded inner child shows up in our relationships and usually makes relationships difficult and painful. You may have a wounded inner child if you have relationship patterns that repeat, like feeling abandoned and overlooked, being attracted to high drama partners, feeling you give more than you receive etc.

I had a wounded inner child and it took me decades to heal it. It need not take anyone that long, but I did not find anyone that knew how to heal the wound and most therapists, analysts and counselors I went to didn't even identify I had the wound. I ended up diagnosing myself and healing myself and I am going to tell you how I did it. I reversed engineered the path I took and there were three critical steps.

What no one talks about, but is truly inspiring, is that on the healing path there is magic!

Your unconscious and your Self know know you are beginning the work and will facilitate your progress and success! You expand in the most beautiful way and realize, beyond any doubt, that you are not alone. On this path you can expect guiding dreams, synchronicities and helpmates that show up to deliver a message to you. Someone could suddenly appear in your life, say something that resonates with you or triggers you in just the way you need, and then they will disappear. Helpmates are not meant to stay in your life, so just keep it flowing.

Step One: Awareness of The Wounded Inner Child

Before we have awareness of the wounded inner child, we are unconscious to it. The wounded inner child takes us over and we do not realize it. It acts like a distinct entity, like you have multiple personalities and the inner child is one of the personalities! At this first step, seeing your inner child as its own person enables you to become the observer and grow your awareness. Thus, instead of being unconscious and taken over by the wounded inner child, you are able to consciously see it and identify it.

Identify your wound and wound triggers.

Identify your wound and how you feel when it is triggered. For example, I had an abandonment wound. When it was triggered I felt a deep heartbreak type of sadness. The pain of an inner child wound has a timeless quality in that it does not lessen with time. I felt the same pain in my forties as I did when I was seven years old.

When the wound is triggered it is like a lens comes up and you see people and situations through the lens of the wound. You are unconscious and adopt the thoughts and feelings of the wound as your own. Become aware of this and recognize it is only a lens.

What does your wounded inner child want that it never had?

Many of us wanted to feel loved, protected and that we mattered. I admit, I was stuck in step one for decades. I knew when my inner child wound was triggered, but I did not know what to do about it. Finally, in the midst of feeling rejected, I sat with myself and it came to me! One specific memory when I was seven years old, alone crying, entered my awareness. I did a meditation and I re-entered the scene as my current self and I went to the seven year old me and I gave her what she really wanted, what she never had. I recorded the simple, active imagination meditation I did for others to use. You can find it HERE.

Step Two: Awareness Of The Wounded Inner Child In Your Relationships

This is the most challenging step because we are so used to externalizing in our relationships. We tend to want to focus on the other person, but that is not where your healing or power lies. Also, making this step challenging is the wounded inner child is not alone in your unconscious. It has a shadow companion and is also connected to repeated patterns, called complexes. For a visual see the spider web below and notice the inner child is at the center. When you heal the wounded inner child, the spider web falls apart and new insights start popping off and you start really becoming aware!

Inner Focus

Recognize when you lapse into unconsciousness in your relationships. Sure, the other person may be problematic, but keep your focus on you. For example, you may consciously know the type and quality of partner you want and deserve, but your wounded inner child takes over and you end up choosing the opposite of what you consciously want.

Identify Magical Thinking

Often magical thinking of the wounded inner child shows up by focusing on the other person and minimizing their mistreatment of us, thinking we can heal another while we are still wounded, hoping and waiting for the other person to change, choose us, and love us like we love them.

In Step Two we discover how we go from conscious to unconscious in our relationships. We also go behind the lens of the wounded inner child and view relationship dynamics from that perspective. We identify the shadow aspect that accompanies the wounded inner child and it's purpose. You then start to work with and moderate the shadow aspect. Complexes begin to come to consciousness and your awareness grows significantly in step two!

Step Three: Choice Point

At this stage of the process you have become aware of your wounded inner child, identified their wound and what it is they most want and need and you have given it to them. You have shifted your focus from external to internal and have become aware of the wounded inner child in your relationships. You have identified your wounded inner child's shadow companion and you moderate it when it is triggered.

Freedom

Step Three is probably the easiest step because you have done the work and grown your awareness in the previous steps. You can now glide into Step Three, the choice point. In order to make a new choice your wound needs to be triggered. You know what the wound feels like and in the past you were taken over by it and were immersed and unconscious in the pain or your efforts to avoid the pain. When the wound is triggered you will feel a strong pull and be tempted to go back to the wound and it's story, but this time you realize you have another choice.

Stay present. Feel the tension of the two choices, to go back to the wound or choose to emerge as an adult that is done with the pain cycle. You can turn your back on the pain and even say, "I'm done with you!".

The significance of this choice is monumental and will seal your healing! Consider this, as a child you could not prevent or stop what happened that caused the wounding, but now as an adult you can reclaim your agency, reclaim your life by making the powerful choice to turn your back on the pain hell-loop.

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. Carl Jung

Cool Considerations

~ The wounded inner child lives in your unconscious. Working directly with your unconscious enables a successful healing.

~ All three steps require conscious awareness, the expansion of your consciousness. Each step builds on the awareness gained in the prior step.

~ Your unconscious and Self know when you are on the healing path and they will help you by providing dreams, synchronicities, and helpmates.

~ Healing is great, but you will gain so much more! On the healing path you will become aware of a loving influence that orchestrates encounters and events on your behalf, drops insights into your awareness, and motivates you to keep moving forward.

If you have identified that you have an inner child wound and are ready to heal I created a self paced course where I guide you through the three steps. You can access the course here: Three Steps To Heal An Inner Child Wound

It took me years to heal my inner child wound because there was not a roadmap, no one had gone before me and shined a light on the path. I could have healed years earlier if there had been a guide.

If you’re ready to stop repeating the same relationship loops and seeing your life through the lens of the wound, I created a course where I walk you through the three steps in greater detail. You can access the course description here and there is a link for the full course syllabus.

The wound is not your fault and it can be healed!