How To Know If You Have An Abandonment Wound

What An Abandonment Wound Actually Is

At some point in childhood someone important was not there for you in the way you needed them to be. Perhaps a parent passed away or faded away due to divorce or a breakup. Feeling abandoned is not always the result of lack of physical presence of someone important. Your caregiver might have physically been present, but emotionally they were unavailable and did not recognize your emotional needs.

My abandonment wound was created when I was separated from my mother when I was six years old. I was very close to her and being separated had an emotional impact and created an abandonment wound. I was reunited with my mother a year later, but the wound was already created. It is important to note, most abandonment wounds are not created intentionally. For example, my mother had no idea the emotional impact being separated from her would cause for me.

Common Signs of an Abandonment Wound

• Choosing unavailable partners: The partner may be unavailable because they are married or in another relationships. They prioritize drug use, or emotionally shut down instead of allowing the connection to develop. Partners who are unavailable can also be hot and cold and on and off with you, resulting in you feeling you never know where you stand with them.

• A Sense of Panic When Partner Pulls Away: Sometimes people pull away because they just need space and having time alone feels healthy. When we have an abandonment wound we are unable to discern what is healthy space taking and what is abandonment. When a person pulls away, for whatever the reason, a person with an abandonment wound can panic, start chasing, spying and obsessing about the other person.

• Overreacting to distance: Time away can be healthy, but for a person with an abandonment wound that distance can trigger deep pain and insecurities. It is natural for a person with an unhealed abandonment wound to unconsciously view another person as their cure.

• People pleasing: In order to ensure we won't be abandoned we are prone to put our feelings and desires second to the other person's feelings and desires. In this way we abandon ourselves.

How An Abandonment Wound Shows Up In Relationships

The inner child, in your unconscious, has the abandonment wound. You may not realize it, but the wounded inner child is leading you in the relationship and makes itself known in the following ways:

• Inability to vet a partner: Like a child, we take everything at face value when we have an abandonment wound. For example, if a potential partner is initially kind to us and gives us attention (love bombing) we may not care to wait and discover whether they are really a good partner for us or not. We jump in and bond right away.

• Magical thinking: We are prone to ignore the context and toxic traits of a relationship and instead employ magical thinking. For example, if someone is married, but we like the attention they give us, we may magically thinking they love us more than their other partner and one day they will commit to us. If we are in an abusive relationship we will minimize the severity of the aggression against us and even blame ourselves for it.

• Addictive quality: We may leave a relationship that is not healthy for us, only to return again and again. The other person may leave us, but we try to get them back or wait for their return. People often call this a toxic bond, but what it really is, is evidence of a wounded inner child over their head and just trying to make the pain go away by pretending (magical thinking) that it will be different in the future.

• Self betrayal/Self Abandonment: When we have an unhealed abandonment wound, our focus is on the other person. We want the other person to change and we focus on what they are and are not doing that makes us unhappy. This only serves to keep us in a cycle of pain and puts in a very vulnerable position with someone who has shown us that they can and will hurt us. We betray and abandon ourselves by not prioritizing our feelings and our best interests.

• Repeated crossroads: We experience opportunities to leave an unhealthy relationship over and over again. Each time we choose to stay, it is only a matter of time, sometimes a short period of time, before we are back at the crossroads again. Stay or go. We will continue to be confronted with the crossroads until we make the choice that aligns with our best interest and well being.

I go more in depth about toxic relationship patterns here.

How Abandonment Wounds Can Be Healed

The inner child, which lives in your unconscious, holds the abandonment wound. Like any physical wound, it must be addressed at its location. If you cut your hand and go to the doctor, the doctor will address the wound on your hand and probably ignore your foot. :) There is no reason to look at your foot of course.

Working with your unconscious might at first seem confusing or even mysterious, but it really isn't. It is actually fascinating and even fun at times.

It took me decades to heal my abandonment wound because there were no practical steps and no one that could explain it to me in simple terms so I could get to work and heal. I now have for others what I wish I had had. I reverse engineered the steps I took and created a three step roadmap. You can read about the three steps to heal an inner child wound here.

Frequently Asked Questions About Abandonment Wounds

What is an abandonment wound?

An abandonment wound forms when emotional needs were not met in childhood and often shows up later as fear of loss, panic in relationships, or people-pleasing behaviors.

How do I know if I have an abandonment wound?

Common signs include fear of being left, panic when someone pulls away, people-pleasing, choosing unavailable partners, or feeling emotionally dependent in relationships. You may notice intense reactions to distance or rejection that feel out of proportion to the situation.

Why do abandonment wounds show up so strongly in relationships?

Relationships activate early attachment patterns stored in the unconscious. When intimacy or closeness triggers the wounded inner child, old emotional pain resurfaces as fear, anxiety, or urgency. The inner child may take the lead in relationships, making it difficult to see situations clearly or choose partners who are truly healthy and available.

Can abandonment wounds be healed?

Yes. Abandonment wounds can be healed by working with the unconscious where the wound lives. Healing involves recognizing the wounded inner child, understanding how the wound operates in relationships, and reaching new choice points where you respond with awareness instead of old patterns. With the right guidance and tools, deep and lasting healing is possible.

Do I need therapy to heal an abandonment wound?

Not necessarily. While therapy can be helpful for some, many people find that insight alone does not heal the wound. Abandonment wounds live in the unconscious and require inner child work, emotional integration, and conscious choice-making. Healing often happens through a direct relationship with your inner world rather than years of talk-based analysis alone.

Next Steps

If this article resonates, you are not alone and you do not have to navigate healing alone either.

• Learn more about inner child healing and how unconscious wounds are transformed.

• Begin the self-paced course that guides you through the three steps to heal an abandonment wound.

• Schedule a private 1:1 session for personalized Jungian depth work.

• Read client experiences to see how others have worked with me HERE.

Smiles and love,

Valerie

Valerie Alexander, BSN, MA, Jungian Coach