Why Healing The Inner Child Requires The Unconscious: The Three Critical Steps

Valerie Alexander
Dec 21, 2025
6 min read

You desire to feel loved, seen and valued, yet your relationships are prone to drama, betrayal and feeling rejected. Painful relationships get our attention and reveal that we have a wounded inner child. Many of us tried therapy, read books and did some inner work and still feel stuck and wounded. It took me decades to finally discover why nothing seemed to work.

The Missing Piece In Inner Child Healing

On my healing journey I discovered that therapy and other modalities leave out working directly with the unconscious and the unconscious is where the wound is located! As a nurse I like to give medical analogies, so here's one. If you injured your ankle and went to the emergency room and instead of looking at your injured ankle, the doctor only focused on your bowel sounds, would your ankle injury be taken care of? It sounds crazy obvious that the focus needs to be where the wound actually is.

Most healing modalities stay on the conscious level, talk therapy for example. Other approaches are behavioral and seek to modify your behavior, but don't address the reason you feel drawn to certain people and behavior cycles. The reasons can be found in your own unconscious.

Everything in the unconscious seeks outward manifestation, and the personality too desires to evolve out of its unconscious conditions and to experience itself as whole. - Carl Jung

The unconscious has its own language. It communicates with feelings and symbols. It may be challenging to understand at first and most of us need a guide and a translator when we begin a relationship with our unconscious. You can find more information here: Inner Child Healing.

What Is An Inner Child Wound?

An inner child wound is pain trapped and frozen in time. Some of us were wounded in childhood and we carry that wound until we heal it. For example, I had an abandonment wound. The wound shaped how I expected others to treat me, the partners I chose and how I perceived my worth. My inner child wound was like the center of an energy vortex and around it were fears, triggers and unhealthy relationship patterns that played out over and over. For a long time I was not aware of this, but it was very much alive in my unconscious.

How Do You Heal An Inner Child Wound?

I discovered there are three steps to heal an inner child wound and these steps can be repeated by anyone.

Step One:

Become aware of the wounded inner child.
Identify your particular wound. Notice how it feels, when it is triggered.
Give your wounded inner child what it wants, but never had.

Step Two:

Become aware of the wounded inner child in your relationships.
Recognize the wounded inner child's shadow companion.
Identify complexes (behavior patterns/triggers with strong feeling tones)

Step Three:

Recognize when you are at a choice point as the result of the wound being triggered.
Choose a new sense of agency instead of going into the repeated pain cycle of the wound.

Why This Three Step Process Works When Others Don't

You can't heal a wound in your unconscious without working with your unconscious. One must form a partnership with the unconscious. The good news is the unconscious is a willing partner and will provide dreams, synchronicities and helpmates on the path to help you heal.

Trying to alter your behavior or talking about your wounding keeps things at the conscious level and limits healing to a conscious effort instead of a partnership with your unconscious.

I was in and out of therapy for most of my life. Even before I met who was to become my second husband I was back in therapy. I really wanted a healthy and evolving relationship and I knew I may not attract that. Therapy just never worked for me because the "work" I did in therapy stayed at the conscious level and did not work with the unconscious.

I married, who was probably a covert narcissist, and divorced. Even though I chose to divorce, my abandonment wound was in full pain mode. My unconscious was very active as if to say, "Girl, you are not going to miss this opportunity!" and I began to really focus on my unconscious, where the wound is. I did not believe I could heal the wound. My goal was to try and live with it better, but one day I found myself at Step Three. I did not know it at the time. I did not have the roadmap. You can imagine my amazement to realize the wound was healed.

The Three Steps To Heal An Inner Child Wound Course Syllabus

The Self Paced Course To Heal An Inner Child Wound

I reverse engineered the critical steps I took to heal my abandonment wound to three steps. Healing such a wound had always seemed impossible to me and I know others have felt the same way. But it is not impossible! The three step roadmap I created is practical and simplifies what is often seen as confusing.

Module One: Course Introduction

Recommended supplies and tools (tangible and intangible)
The magical other as a tool. I explain how you will meet helpmates on the healing journey.
Active Imagination as a tool. I explain what it is and how to use it.

Module Two: Step One

I See You: How to recognize your wounded inner child as a distinct part of you and gain the needed perspective to start real healing.
The Frozen Lens: Discover how your inner child is frozen in time replaying the same patterns while looking at life through the lens of the wound.
I Love You: Learn to identify your wound and how it feels.
Guided Visualization/Active Imagination: Experience a powerful visualization that connects you to your wounded inner child so that you can give them what they need the most.
Step One Finale: Review of key insights from Step One. Examine roadblocks to healing.

Module Three: Step Two

Introduction To Step Two: Quick review of Step One. Overview of Step Two including shadow work and complexes as they relate to the wounded inner child in relationships.
Unconscious While Awake: In this lesson you are shown how the unconscious takes over in relationships. Inner child magical thinking and missing the fuller context of relationships is highlighted.
Behind The Lens (Part One): We go behind the lens of the wound so you can understand how the wounded inner child interprets and what it feels about love bombing, abuse and other toxic situations.
Behind The Lens (Part Two): We explore, with the help of visual aids, how your wounded inner child evaluates potential partners and how self betrayal occurs.
The Shadow (Part One): You will discover what the shadow is, how it formed to protect your wounded inner child and how the shadow shows up in your relationships.
The Shadow (Part Two): We go deeper into the shadow and explore shadow traits such as rage, stalking and spying.
The Shadow (Part Three): This lesson covers how to interact with and moderate the shadow when it is triggered.
Complexes: You will learn what psychological complexes are
and how they are activated in relationships.

Module Four: Step Three

Pre Choice Point: In this lesson you learn how to reframe your perspective so that you can see and take advantage of the opportunity present when your wound is triggered.
The Choice Point: You prepare for the critical moment when your wound is triggered. Because you have grown your awareness in Step One and Two, you are able to recognize you have a choice. I share details of my choice point and prepare you to face yours.

After my wound was healed a whole new world opened up for me. I finally felt happy and comfortable in my own skin. I no longer had FOMO and my Self (the god within according to Carl Jung) began to emerge more and more. The fuller experience of the Self to me is the most beautiful part of the healing. The Self doesn't suddenly appear. It is there throughout the healing journey. You are not in it alone. Working with your unconscious on the healing path, you realize and see evidence of, a benevolent presence orchestrating insights and events on your behalf.

If you have any questions about what I have shared, feel free to comment or reach out to me directly.